Ah I read the news today, oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall
The world over, if asked to name a town in Lancashire, most people would give you a blank stare. If you hum the tune and prod them with a pointed stick, a few might remember the lyrics to A Day In The Life and proudly mention the Albert Hall.
Given that the Albert Hall is not actually in Lancashire (unless the bloody tories have redrawn the boundaries again) the question arises, how did they get all those holes from Blackburn, Lancashire to the Albert Hall. Clearly the best way is by canal boat. The Albert Hall is not very far from Little Venice in London, and the Leeds and Liverpool runs right through Blackburn. I think only one boat would be necessary as you could stack the holes one inside the other, and they don’t weigh very much. By canal it would be 284 miles, including 202 locks, 7 tunnels, and 6 swing bridges. It would take eighteen hours at eight hours a day. I wonder how much it costs to rent the Albert Hall.
We didn’t stop in Blackburn. It’s a hole.
It does however, have a chimney repurposed as a billboard.
To save you the bother of Googling, Webbox is a company sells pigs ears and black pudding sticks for dogs. Why don’t they sell boxes, you ask? Surely the people of Blackburn need something to keep all those holes in? My best guess is that the guy who knew how to make boxes fell down a hole and hasn’t been seen since, so the domain name was going cheap.
It rained a fair bit today. I think I have those percentage chance of precipitation numbers worked out for the English climate.
10%: Sunny all day apart from one drenching downpour when it is most inconvenient.
20%: No rain, but grey clouds all day, and a all pervading dampness that foments rheumatism, mildew, and depression.
30%: Just when you think it’s stopped raining it’s going to start again.
40%: An intense study of the Duckworth Lewis Method is required. You won’t understand it, nobody does, but at least it will take your mind off the bloody rain. For our American readers, the Duckworth Lewis method is a branch of statistics that deals with the influence of rain on cricket matches.
50%: Schrödinger’s downpour. It’s only raining if you go outside.
60%: Rain, alternating with periods of intense drizzle and existential angst.
70%: Rain, with winds blowing it sideways and making a mockery of your umbrella.
80%: I wonder if we will ever see the sun again.
90%: Start building an ark.
100%: You didn’t build the ark in time. Drown.