Today we felt ready for a bit of culture so we headed for the Dutch national art collection at the Rijks Museum or as the Dutch call it, the Rijksmuseum. They have a particularly fine battle swan.

The museum provided a commentary sheet calling attention to the care and detail with which the swan poop had been rendered. Ah, those Dutch Masters.

They have a special offer on Rembrandt this month, with every single Rembrandt work in their collection on display. This means that as well as such classics as Man With Goofy Face Being Told Not To Run With Scissors…

… they also have lesser know masterpieces such as Beam Me Down Scotty…

… and Self Portrait of the Artist Having Sex With A Woman With Two Left Arms (sorry, I’m not including that one, you’ll have to look it up on the Internet).

Of course Rembrandt’s famous painting The Night Watch is always on display if you can make your way through the scrum of tourists and schoolchildren. The Night Watch is not its real name. It was originally called Girl with Dead Chicken and some guys who paid to have their portraits painted.

But enough bird portraiture. Other gems included a portrait of Mary Stuart and William of Orange on their wedding day. She was nine and he was fourteen.

These are not the William and Mary who went on to become the famous monarchical double act. This Mary Stuart was the daughter of Charles I of England. Their son, also William of Orange went on to marry Mary Stuart the daughter of James II of England, who was the son of Charles I. The two of them became the real William-And-Mary. Is that clear? No? OK, back to bird portraiture then.

Look at that egyptian goose on the right. The descendants of that goose are crapping in the parks of Amsterdam to this day.

Of course, the museum does not just have paintings. There are some wonderful ship models…

… designer cannons…

… a miniature silver tightrope walker…

… tulip vase pagodas…

… and more battle swans hiding in the porcelain undergrowth ready to ambush a shepherdess.

Lunch in the cafe was excellent, and a work of art in itself.

Paula’s cup of tea came with a heart shaped cookie with the coat of arms of Amsterdam on it.

The coat of arm of Amsterdam as three XXXs on it, probably to commemorate Amsterdam’s great contribution to pornography.

Then there’s this wonderfully goofy allegorical painting about the abdication of some monarch or other.

Look, it has a muscular mermaid dating a lobster (this was before Tinder)…

… and a confused armadillo facing the wrong way.

Maybe it’s just trying to get away from the crocodile (or is it an allegory?)

Finally of course, there was the traditional Naked Woman Attacked By Battle Swan.

Pretty much everything you need in a museum apart from skulls.