Ah, the National Gallery. In what other museum could you trample on a mosaic of Bertrand Russell lowering a naked woman into a well while removing her sunglasses.

The woman is very small compared with Russell. She is holding a magnifying glass up to Russell’s face so he won’t notice. Do you think she stands any chance of a hot date with the philosopher, or will she ever remain to him merely “Experimental Subject Number Five Hundred and Eighty Three”? (It’s a deep well. He’s going to drop a trolley car down it next.)

Besides human experimentation, the mosaics in the upper lobby also feature such quintessentially English pursuits as cricket…

… burning Christmas pudding…

and profane love.

Let’s tale a closer look at Profane Love. A young man is too busy starring at himself in a mirror to notice the woman in the see-through frock who is trying to seduce him. Meanwhile another somewhat androgynous figure is watching them while smoking a cigarette in a holder. But what, we ask ourselves, is really going on here? What is this work of art trying to tell us? Let’s take a closer look.

In the middle of it all is an insane dog, driven mad by the smell of cigarette smoke and unrequited lust. Someone is going to be savaged before that cigarette is finished.

One more mosaic, this one entitled Leisure.

For the English, leisure involves a certain amount of suffering. That is why the woman is skinny-dipping in a cold and monster infested lake while the young man is lying on a balustrade contemplating the theory of relativity rather than sitting in the comfy chair contemplating the skinny-dipping maiden.

Paula wanted me to take a picture of this one: Woman With Broken Neck Chained To Phallic Symbol.

Why is that lout in the flashy armor attacking the local wildlife when he should be calling an ambulance?

I think I prefer Look Ma, I Just Discovered Perspective.

Top left we see a flying saucer emitting mind control rays which enter a building though the convenient hole for the release of carrier pigeons, straight through one of the pigeons and into the skull of helpless victim. Yep, you guessed it, this one is all about the pigeons.

Here’s another sad case of unjustified monster-prodding: Bonzo Gets A Nosebleed

This poor woman was taking her pet dragon out for a walk when some oik on a horse starts poking it in the nostril with his lance.

Did he not notice it was on a leash, or did he just not care? He should be making himself useful dealing with that mad pekingese in Profane Love, instead of attacking harmless pets.

Here’s one you all know.

But what is it really trying to say to us? Let’s look closely at the faces:

Boredom

Boredom

Who’s a good boy, then?

That is one happy dog. That dog was happy to pose for the picture because the artist had a big bag of doggie treats. Not modern crunchy doggie treats made of artificial flavorings, corn, and sawdust, but good old fashioned doggie treats, like chopped up bits of dead animal. While posing for the picture, that dog ate twice his own weight in goat kidneys. Sad to think that its distant descendant would one day feature in Profane Love.